Going to college in New York City will teach you more than you ever wanted to know about yourself, about this city, and about life.
1. For starters, your only friend is your belly.
2. You have no idea what you want to do with your life.
3. You hate everyone.
4. And people really like hearing themselves talk (especially in a classroom).
“I have a question, my boyfriend is really special.”
5. You will never be liberal enough for this institution or city.
6. So you’ll question all of your beliefs and values.
7. And come up with an answer.
8. Wearing a lanyard is the equivalent of wearing a shirt that says “Mug me.”
There’s no picture because no one should ever see a lanyard.
9. Your first fake ID… isn’t going to cut it…
10. But that’s all right, because there is nothing sweeter than a rooftop party til the morning.
11. And here come the freshmen, so full of hope.
12. But you don’t understand why. I mean look around:
13. That homeless man’s birthday couldn’t possibly occur three days in a row.
14. People are starved for attention…
15. … so it’s okay to stare.
16. Naps are necessary.
17. You’d rather buy new underwear than do your laundry, but you’re poor so you find alternatives.
18. Snow isn’t quite what you remembered.
19. If the local train is running express, it might be running local, unless it’s running express, in which case it’s running local.
20. Also, white girls are afraid of Brooklyn.
(real image of a white girl in Brooklyn.)
21. That person you slept with who you thought you’d never see again is everywhere.
22. And it’s all right to complain about it…
23. … because it’s all right to complain about everything…
24. … because you’re now a New Yorker. Go get ’em kiddo.
Cover photo credit: Matt Biddulph/Flickr