Whether you stand in the isle, sit in the middle seats, or at the end with the arm-rest, it all says something about you. So how do you stack up against your fellow commuters? Are you a paragon of virtue or a selfish troll? Of course, take this with pinch of salt, we are all subject to whatever space there is when we get on! But, there are laughs to be had in this article, and maybe, just maybe, a grain or two of truth. Enjoy:
1. Standing without holding onto anything
Oh yes, you’re a badass alright… You don’t let things like gravity and the laws-of-motion spoil your ride… even if you do look like a douche with your legs spread trying to balance yourself.
Of course when the train is full it could be that you’re just stuck, too far away to grab a poll or get into a corner and you’re subject to the swaying and stinky armpits of the other commuters. In which case you have our sympathy, and thanks for taking one for the team.
2. Standing against the emergency exit door
You just let the crowd push you where they want you don’t you! Squashed against the glass like a stick-on plush toy in a sorority girls car. Push-over!
Of course it could be that you’re just that easy going. “It’s no big deal, I’ll get where I’m going just like everyone else.” You get it. You’re community minded, and it’s for the good of the train. Bravo.
3. Sitting in the end seats
Oh, you must be some kind of royalty. Check it out, we have the queen of England over here! Want some caviar to go with that arm-rest and seat with commoners-on-only-one-side?
Either you are the Mad Max of the train and you picked up this coveted position by being a bad-ass, or you are an opportunist, patently lying in wait, just waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
Some people just want to watch the world burn. That’s you. People hate you… and you don’t care. You are a Shakespearean villain laughing in the face of common decency. You’re prepared to be shamed all over the Internet.
Of course it’s possible you are suffering from a condition where your genitals have swollen to the size of basket balls and are as painful to the touch as an unpopped zit… but we doubt it. It’s much more likely you are an asshat.
5. Sitting in the middle seats
You’re just going with the flow, it doesn’t matter to you that it’s going to be difficult to exit the train, or that you’re subject to the crotches of the people who stood in the walk way. You’re out of the way… Shelved like yesterdays newspapers… but that’s the way you like it. You operate under the radar, secretly comfortable and gathering strength to barge your way out of the train.
6. Leaning against the pole
Oh! Look at this! Poor guy needs a back rest more than everyone else needs to hold the pole. You must be tired… lean away and let me get you a glass of iced tea. STOP IT! Holy cow, you have taken manspreading and made it vertical.
Wake up, dude! If you want to lounge around you can do it at home, the subway doesn’t have a first-class section, and if it did, you probably wouldn’t be on it!
7. Standing up against doors
Oh you just love the power of being near the door don’t you. “I’ll just step off the train so you can get on… did you see that? Did you see how selfless I am?” You’re not fooling anyone with your magnanimous bullsh*t! You’re there so you can get off first and we all know it.
Sure you’re out of the way, kind of, but you’re also contributing to the crush at rush hour. Move onto the train properly and elbow your way out like everyone else! We’re on to your little game.
8. Standing near the doors
(see above) Yeah, you just wish you were that door guy… You watch people have to slink past you to get on the train, but you don’t care. You have your spot and you’re guarding it like a lion guards it’s territory. Let everyone else file in around you, it’s their problem. Selfish or oblivious, it’s one of the two.
9. Holding the pole for the entire trip
Awww, poor fragile little glass-boned sparrow… does the nasty train start and stop too suddenly for you? Better grab on to that pole for dear life, huh!
So you’re not really bothering anyone, and it is a little cute… like watching a tourist obey the crosswalk signs… but is it really necessary? You’re all that is wholesome and good, but sometimes that is a little annoying. Deal with it.
10. Standing in the walkway
Our hero. You are moving out of the way, facilitating the flow of foot traffic on and off of the train. You could stand near the door and clog up the entrance, but you don’t. NYC loves you man, you and Gregg T are the real MVP’s.
Of course it’s all about perspective really, to the people sat around you, you’re a crotch-in-the-face… but you can’t please everyone.
Featured image source [buzzfeed]