Things You’re Worried NYC Tour Guides Are Saying About You

[Photo: Michal Jedlicka]

At any given point when you’re walking around Manhattan, you could become the backdrop for someone’s Big Bus sightseeing tour. And who knows what a hot mess you look like. Here are all the things you worry the tour guides will say about you:

1. The city of New York was named by the Duke of York when received it as an 18th birthday present from his father. For his birthday, Mike’s father gave him a bottle of cheap aftershave.

2. The Island of Manhattan was purchased from Native Americans for today’s equivalent of $1,000. And that’s about how much credit card debt Sara currently has.

3. New Yorkers drink 7 times more coffee than people in any other city in the United States. Jason is on his 7th cup today.

4. New York is the most linguistically diverse city in the world, but Debbie’s boyfriend still doesn’t know how to communicate what he wants out of this relationship.

5. And on your left you’ll see a skyscraper with no windows. David’s bedroom also has no windows and that’s why he’s so sweaty all the time.

6. NYC homeowners can request a tree be planted outside their house for free. But Jill can’t even take care of her pathetic potted plant so that’s a dream she can say goodbye to.

7. No apartment in Manhattan is further than 0.8 miles from a subway stop. And yet Oliver was still late for work every day this week.

8. To your right is the Flatiron building, where men used to gather hoping to see women’s skirts blow up when they walked over a wind tunnel. Everyone saw what was under Jenny’s skirt last night when she tripped and fell at the bar.

9. UPS, FedEx, and other delivery companies receive about 7,000 parking tickets a day. Colin still hasn’t paid a ticket he got in April.

10. It can cost over $289,000 a for a one year hot dog stand permit in Central Park. Hot dogs are the only item currently in Kate’s refrigerator.

12. New York City has 520 miles of coastline. And that’s about how long Lindsey’s walk of shame is.

13. Madison Square Park, Washington Square Park, Union Square Park, and Bryant Park used to be cemeteries. Chris’s job used to be fulfilling.

14. A New York bagel has the same amount of calories as a half a loaf of bread. Kelly is currently eating her third bagel today.

15. Here on Park Avenue, you’ll see a 150 foot hole. Oh! There goes Joe!