If you’re an implant in NYC on Mothers Day, and you’ve decided to avoid going home, you’re facing the obligatory phone call. There’so point in trying to keep it short and to the point, your mom has questions. So strap yourselves in, here are the 18 things that are bound to come up during your conversation:
1. “Your neighborhood is safe, right?”
Yes mom, very safe.
2. “You don’t walk around alone at night, do you?”
Only after I just dumped my date.
3. “You don’t take the subway at night, do you?”
Trust me. You don’t want me taking an Uber.
4. “Did you hear there was another slashing last night?”
5. “It wouldn’t kill you to call more often?”
6. “I’ve heard such good things about Hamilton. Have you seen it?”
If I had that kind of money lying around I’d probably be wasting it on food and shelter!
7. “Is your apartment warm enough?”
8. “Your building has a doorman, right?”
Yeah, maybe when I make it big.
9. “Your door has a chain lock, right?”
Not everything you see on TV is true, Mom.
10. “Remember to always have cash on you.”
11. “But don’t carry too much cash on you.”
Uh, that’s not going to be a problem.
12. “How are your roommates doing? Are you getting along?”
uh, yeah, so much love in the house
13. “You’re not still living in that dump, are you?”
No, I won the lottery since we last spoke, mom.
14. “Are you still seeing so-and-so?”
The one I went on three dates with? No.
15. “If you need anything I can be there in three hours.”
Don’t trouble yourself.
16. “Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?”
17. “Are you coming home for Christmas?”
18. “Maybe I could come up and visit you.”
Oh jeez, you know, I’m so busy…