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12 NYC Apartment Reality-Checks for Naive Out-of-Towners

Rob Grams Rob Grams

12 NYC Apartment Reality-Checks for Naive Out-of-Towners

We get it, you saw an episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and thought you’d roll up into our city and live in a palatial apartment, with walk in wardrobes and kitchen counters. FORGET IT. You’re in need of a reality check. Here are twelve, just in case:

 

Getting an apartment is like a real life hunger games.


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Not only is it expensive and complicated, it’s damn competitive. There just aren’t enough units for all the people. Oh, yeah, and get ready to supply your potential landlord with so much information they could ghost-write your autobiography.

 

You have to pay so much money your first month you may have to sell a kidney.


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First months rent, application fee, a brokers fee, a security deposit and your first born child… yeah, that should cover it.

 

Regulating the temperature in your apartment is a neverending nightmare sh*t-show sent straight from hell to make you miserable.


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If you manage not to kill anyone when you install your window AC unit, in the winter the temperature in your apartment fluctuates between “Penguin-habitat” to “Surface of the sun.”

 

Sleeping in a room that makes Harry Potter’s Room under the stairs look like a mansion.


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Forget about what you see on “Friends,” How I Met Your Mother” or “Sex in the City,” you’re more than likely going to be sleeping in a space the size of a shoebox.

 

A Bedroom closet is a luxury and if you do have one it’s big enough for a pair of gym socks.


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Oh, Carrie Bradshaw’s walk-in-clo… FORGET IT! You’ll be lucky to get your arm in there.

 

Fire escapes are as close as you’re going to get a balcony.


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Breathe in that *cough* …that fresh *cough* …that fresh air

 

Having a washer and dryer in your apartment makes you a member of the bourgeoisie.


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Where as the rest of the proletariat use a laundromat, or if we’re lucky, our building has a Laundry room.

 

In NYC a “Dishwasher” is…


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YOU! …oh yeah, and good luck finding a kitchen with storage space for those dishes.

 

Your kitchen will make you feel like a clumsy giant


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Counter space to chop vegetables??? What the hell is counter space? (…and vegetables? hand me my phone, SEAMLESS TO THE RESCUE!)

 

Oh, you want an apartment with parking? Sure thing, I’ll just ride around on my unicorn until I find one.


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NO chance, also “affordable parking” is an oxymoron in this city.

 

You’re more likely to have dinner with the Abominable snowman than getting Natural light in your apartment.


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A delightful fifth-floor walkup with a breathtaking view of a brick wall.

 

Get ready to have an old Roommate


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Yeah, it’s not about them not having their life together, it’s just that damn expensive.