10 New Year’s Resolutions Every NYer Makes …But Will Never Keep

Rob Grams Rob Grams

10 New Year’s Resolutions Every NYer Makes …But Will Never Keep
New Year’s Eve is only days away, it’s time to think about the dumpster fire of a year that 2017 was, and decide on how we can make 2018 better. Yeah, let’s take a look at this year’s New Year’s resolutions.
It’s easy just to throw together some random promises just before midnight that set us up for failure, the list below represents some of those kinds of resolutions. We’d love you to prove us wrong, but here are the New Years Resolutions all NYers make, but ultimately never keep:
1. I won’t eat dollar-slices anymore.


You may as well say “I won’t drink any more liquids”. If it’s late at night, you only have a dollar in your pocket and you’re hungry, let’s be honest, you’re not buying a dollar salad.

2. I won’t take so many cabs, Lyfts and Ubers, it’s time to walk and get a little exercise!


We get it… so at the coldest time of the year you’re going to hit the city like Leonardo Dicaprio in The Revenant? Yeah, right! Good look fighting that bear by the way.

3. I’m going to run in the New York Marathon 2018


If by “run in the marathon” you mean “I’m going to rush out to buy a bag of chips while I watch the marathon on TV” then mission accomplished. We get it, you’re gung-ho right now, but that kind of promise generally only lasts as long as it takes the NYE alcohol to wear off.

4. I’m going to stop ordering Seamless and start cooking.


So you’re going to tear yourself away from binge-watching season two of “Stranger Things” to figure out how your oven works?

5. I will save some cash by washing my clothes at the Laundromat.


Who needs that easy fluff and fold service down the street when you can beg for enough quarters for a full wash and dry in your local laundromat?

6. Start a spreadsheet and keep a detailed track of my finances.


Aww, we can feel your good intentions from here. Sure, it’ll work well for a few days, then you’ll start looking at your cells in excel and silently judge your own lifestyle choices until you stop using it all together. You know it, and We know it.

7. I’m going to explore the city outside my own neighborhood.


Yeah, because who wants to go to a bar where everybody knows you, much better to walk into somewhere where the patrons can look you up and down like you’re some kind of tourist.

8. I’m going to be nicer to tourists.


…and while we’re were talking about tourists, let’s be nicer to the sidewalk hogging, map-wielding, permanently confused masses. It won’t last, you’ll be perpetuating the “rude New Yorker” stereotype again in no time.

9. I’m going to start working out.


Sometimes you just want to quit shoveling Doritos into your mouth and get out there and get some exercise. Sadly those feelings tend to be few and far between, notably at the stroke of midnight on new years eve and at no other time.

10. I’m going to call home and visit more.


Aww, look at you pretending the world doesn’t begin and end with NYC. If you struggle with the decision to go to a bar outside your neighborhood, do you really think you’re going to head to LaGuardia to fly home? To be honest, we’d kinda like you to show some love to your folks, so lets all hope we can keep this one.

Featured image source [Anthony Quintano | Flickr]

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