It’s that time of year when hoards of out of towners descend upon the city and amble around hogging the sidewalk to drive us crazy. We get our fair share of tourists all year round, but it seems like the worst of the worst wait until summer to make our lives miserable …or maybe it’s the hot weather that’s making us a little salty …Nah, it’s the tourists.
So, while they’re swarming the city like locusts, here’s a little reminder of all the reasons summer tourists are the worst:
1. They will just stop apropos of nothing
I imagine their internal dialogue going something like this, “wow, look at that stop sign. I must stop immediately and take a photo of it with my iPad.” That sudden halt in foot traffic leading to everyone bumping into each other making the whole world salty. Of course, if you say anything you are perpetuating the stereotype of the rude NYer, so you keep shtum while you rage on the inside. KEEP IT MOVING TOURISTS!
2. They walk without purpose
We have places to go, people to see. If you want to generally meander moronically you shouldn’t have left the Shire, Frodo! With your eyes fixed permanently on the top of the buildings like they are going to fall on you at any moment, no wonder you can’t walk in a straight line. Walk fast and walk straight, in single file whenever possible. It’s not rocket science.
3. They break your concentration by asking for directions
Hey, tourists, you know that incandescent light coming from the buildings in the evening? It comes from a little invention someone cooked up a few years ago called the “light bulb.” Well, golly gee, if you liked that, you’ll absolutely love what this one company out of California cooked up for just this occasion, it’s called GOOGLE MAPS. Use it.
4. They encourage “Show Time” street performances
Ever laugh at a naughty child, only to have their parent tell you “don’t laugh, you’ll only encourage them.” Well, that is the key to the relationship New Yorkers have with their street performers. The more you stare, all goo goo eyed, at their street gymnastics, the more they do it. Take a cue from us. Two steps; avoid eye contact, and keep moving.
5. They can’t master the complexity of swiping a damn Metro Card
Remember the opening scene from 2001 a Space Odessey? The one with all the monkeys, head scratching and confused over the appearance of a black box, hitting it, threatened and confused …that’s what it is like watching you trying to swipe your Metro Card. Oh, no, you take your time, really between the state of the subway and the time it takes tourists to get through the turnstile, it would just be quicker to wait for our destination to get to us.
6. Their over-politeness makes you uncomfortable
Look, I’m not your sir/ma’am, I’m your complete stranger. If you can’t master the subtleties of the mild disdain we have for strangers on the street you really aren’t going to get along well here. …and while we’re at it, when you are ordering a coffee it’s “get me a…” not “If you would be so kind, and it’s not too much trouble, could I please have a coffee, please, thank you, please.” we don’t have all day to wait for your order. And the answer to “Whats good here” is ALWAYS the most expensive thing on the menu.
7. They photograph EVERYTHING
If you insist on visually documenting every square inch of the city, can you at least do it at 3 am? You are turning our precious sidewalks into an American Ninja Warrior style obstacle course …and while we’re at it, if you want to take that special family photo, preserve that precious little moment of you all together in the greatest city on earth, then maybe don’t do it in the middle of a major pedestrian thoroughfare. Especially don’t give us that passive aggressive tutting if we walk in front of the shot. We can always think of an excuse to walk back.
8. They accuse us of being rude.
Really, dude? See above.
Featured image source [Wikimedia Commons]