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NSFW: 11 Hilarious And Painfully Accurate Jokes About NYC

Rob Grams Rob Grams

NSFW: 11 Hilarious And Painfully Accurate Jokes About NYC

I’m sure you think you’ve heard every joke about the city there is. WRONG! Strap yourselves in for a healthy dose of funny… but be careful, some of these aren’t for the easily offended:

The Bank Loan

A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, “Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?”

The woman says, “Yes, of course. I’ll use my Rolls Royce.”

The banker, stunned, asks, “A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?”

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

zidane03 to /r/Jokes

Uber in NYC

A New York City birthday party

A New York City birthday party: Where you are put on a “guest list” of a bar you usually frequent anyway.

via: kappit

Success in NYC

Priest vs NYC Yellow Cab driver

A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate. Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you ?

Guy: I am an NYC cab driver.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who are you ?

Priest : I am a priest & spent 40 years preaching good to people.

God : Take this cotton robe and enter heaven.

Priest : God, how come that foul mouthed, jerk off driver gets a gold robe when I spent all my life preaching good to get cotton.

God : Results, my son, results.

While you preached, people slept….when he drove, people really prayed!

vtechiswack to /r/Jokes

The NYC Flag

Tolerant New Yorkers

Here’s to New Yorkers for being tolerant of everyone except anyone directly in their path

via: kappit

That NYC musk

Father Thomas in NYC

Father Thomas having just graduated from seminary in Kansas was assigned to St Patrick’s in NYC. When he arrived, he was greeted by the Mother Superior, who told him that Pastor Sean was out> The mother superior suggested that Thomas take a walk around NYC and see the sights. As he’s walking down the street a rather scantily dressed young lady walks up to him and says “$25 for a quickie father”, being rather naïve and not wanting to offend her he nods and smiles and says “Bless you my child” as he walks on down the road. A short while later another young woman approaches and says “$25 for a quickie father. Again he nods and smiles “Bless you my child”. Rather perplexed he wonders what this “quickie” is. When he arrives back at St Patrick’s, he again sees the mother Superior, he asks her if she how long she has been living in NYC. “All My life” she replies. “May I ask you a question then? What’s a quickie?. Mother Superior gives him a good luck up and down and responds “$25 same as downtown.”

Writing about NYC

Mind Your Own Business!

So I get off the subway and ask a guy how to get to The Village He tells me, “Just go straight, man” I told him right back, “Mind your own business!”

SlugABug22 to /r/Jokes

Strolers and leashes

“Manhattan: Where the dogs are in strollers and the kids are on leashes.”

via: @AlisonLeiby

Featured image post [bangsshoes]

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