So, you’ve decided to brave Black Friday in the city. First, let us commend you for your gallantry. Second, let us assert that in writing this article we in no way assume any responsibility for your mental/physical injury and/or death during your Black Friday shopping excursion. These tips make your survival more likely, not certain.
1. Don’t go alone. Operate by the buddy system.
2. Better yet, go in a group of at least five people.
3. The center of the group is the safest place to be. You can take turns being there, like penguins.
4. Make sure cell phones are fully charged, in case your group must separate for any reason.
5. Have an alternate communication system in case the cell towers are too overwhelmed. Good options are walkie talkies, road flares, and megaphones.
6. If you have to go to the bathroom, bring at least one group member with you.
7. Make a list and stick to it. Otherwise you’ll be asking Santa for a better credit score for Christmas.
8. Learn the layout of the store before you go.
9. Executive a plan of attack, either from the top-down or from the bottom-up.
10. Carry pepper spray. You never know what can happen.
11. But do not, under any circumstances, bring a firearm.
12. Wear a helmet.
13. Actually wear full body army. People have died from being trampled.
14. Do not under any circumstances bring your children shopping on Black Friday.
15. If you absolutely must bring a child, keep him strapped or chained to your body at all times.
16. If you see a lost child, be a good samaritan and help find her parents.
17. Do not accept lost children that do not belong to you.
18. Bring a book to read while you’re in the checkout line.
19. Resist the temptation to buy the products planted by the checkout line.
20. Don’t buy more than you can carry. Unless you plan to pay for a taxi home, on top of everything.
Cover photo credit: Diariocritico de Venezuela/Flickr