Things To Do

20 Rules To Follow If You Want To Survive Black Friday In NYC

Katherine Ripley Katherine Ripley

20 Rules To Follow If You Want To Survive Black Friday In NYC

So, you’ve decided to brave Black Friday in the city. First, let us commend you for your gallantry. Second, let us assert that in writing this article we in no way assume any responsibility for your mental/physical injury and/or death during your Black Friday shopping excursion. These tips make your survival more likely, not certain.


1. Don’t go alone. Operate by the buddy system.


2. Better yet, go in a group of at least five people.

bad blood group

3. The center of the group is the safest place to be. You can take turns being there, like penguins.

penguin huddle

4. Make sure cell phones are fully charged, in case your group must separate for any reason.

phone charging

5. Have an alternate communication system in case the cell towers are too overwhelmed. Good options are walkie talkies, road flares, and megaphones.

[Wikimedia Commons]
[Wikimedia Commons]
6. If you have to go to the bathroom, bring at least one group member with you.

cat walking dog

7. Make a list and stick to it. Otherwise you’ll be asking Santa for a better credit score for Christmas.

liz lemon fainting

8. Learn the layout of the store before you go.

store layout

9. Executive a plan of attack, either from the top-down or from the bottom-up.


10. Carry pepper spray. You never know what can happen.

[Keys Plus Locksmiths]
[Keys Plus Locksmiths]
11. But do not, under any circumstances, bring a firearm.

sarah palin gun

12. Wear a helmet.

cat helmets

13. Actually wear full body army. People have died from being trampled.

iron man

14. Do not under any circumstances bring your children shopping on Black Friday.

boo crying

15. If you absolutely must bring a child, keep him strapped or chained to your body at all times.

kid leash

16. If you see a lost child, be a good samaritan and help find her parents.

ice age

17. Do not accept lost children that do not belong to you.


18. Bring a book to read while you’re in the checkout line.

long line

19. Resist the temptation to buy the products planted by the checkout line.

resist temptation

20. Don’t buy more than you can carry. Unless you plan to pay for a taxi home, on top of everything.

[Murdo Macleod/The Guardian]
[Murdo Macleod/The Guardian]

Cover photo credit: Diariocritico de Venezuela/Flickr

Tags: Funny